The Great Bass Hunt


As your email has been bouncing for the last several days, and you apparently have neither cell phone, nor other mobile communications device. I am now resorting to the modern smoke signal: the blog. Indeed, it’s come to this.

As per your Team Funny Feelings LLC’s performance in this weekend’s, Western Outdoor News (WON)/Mercury Northern Region Delta Division Open BASS Tournament in Oakley, CA — congratulations; although 29th place may not be the Miracle on the Swamp you’d hoped for, that means there were 10 teams that got beat by a couple dudes in a John boat tossing poppers. And again, while this might not yet be cause for you to pack for Lake Okeewhatever and build a Power-Point sponsorship presentation for Skoal, it is notable nonetheless.

To be honest, Dylan, I had real concerns for you going into this gig. Not just because you were competing against teams of serious huckers of porkskins and lawn ornaments, but for the RULES, man. Serious rules. I mean, did you read the seven pages of WON rules before getting into this thing? Well, all I can say it is fortunate I cancelled the Jet Ranger charter and attendant thermo-imaging survey on Friday, given rule #10’s clear ban on aerial scouting. As well, I hope you spent ample time on #15 regarding equipment and tackle, and kept your rods under 8 ft – or at least a shorter tip section close on hand.

Interestingly, although live and/or cut bait is disallowed, both pork rinds and “mammal hides” may be used, as well as “attractants and scents” – which is why I was insistent you bring down all of those baby otter patterns dipped in Hawg Gett’er.

These people mean serious business, D. Take a look at rule #28: regarding Lie Detector Testing – “All contestants, by virtue of entry into a WON BASS event are subject to testing by a lie detector apparatus by authority of the Tournament Director” (who looks a bit like one of the cops on “Reno 911”). So… how are your skills at resisting “enhanced interrogation techniques” in the back room of some small nondescript marina? It ain’t over, man. These WON people may come for you at any time to grill you about that 29th place. Be ready. Don’t crack.

While I imagine you are relatively safe down there on the YC Ranch for the moment, let me know if you need a safehouse upon return. There is space here at the Funny Feelworks Bunker and a retention pond outside for you to practice your largemouth spey techninque.

Again, congratulations to both you and John Sherman, it is also great moment for the corporate headquarters here and we are celebrating your 29th place with due enthusiasm.


Jeff Galbraith, Publisher

The Flyfish Journal


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